You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
You Might Also Like
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Mornin. * use accordingly
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
BRAKING NEWS!!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.