Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Buck naked
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.