ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you