Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
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It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail