Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
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I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop