And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
You Might Also Like
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.