Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
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The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?