My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.