If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
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wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Just as the prophecy foretold
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day