me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
You Might Also Like
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah