I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog