[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died