Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.