How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu