My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
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[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
doing some research
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.