Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
You Might Also Like
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”