Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
HERE’S MARKY
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.