Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
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Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Not today. 😅
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man