I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.