Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
that colleague who touches your screen
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.