As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
🤭😂
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.