[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.