[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.