them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
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Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
kitchen magnet
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.