5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me