Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Bro what is this
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.