I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out