Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.