ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
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I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*