I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
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oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.