Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
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My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.