The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
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And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Was it something I said?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes