I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what