Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
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Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.