The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”