There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
You Might Also Like
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
The two types of wives
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂