Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
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Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.