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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Breaking news:
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??