Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.