Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
the three genders
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.