I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them