The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
nice challenge
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops