*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
my nickname in college
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi