I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
oh u like geography? name every lake
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye