Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
#catsoftwitter
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.