If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
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Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
my sentiments exactly
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.