Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Yes my dude
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
🤣😂
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.