In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right