her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
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4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Schrödinger’s cookie
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?