A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)